By Auntie Norma

SPRING HAS SPRUNG and GONE! It lasted 2 days, and now we sweat with the onset of summer, just days after the Easter Bunny popped his carrot! Well, at least something is popping up between the lilies and the bushes!

You cannot imagine the emails that I have been receiving! Last month, I even received an email from the STATE PRISON. He wanted my recipe for cherry pie……ALLEGEDLY. So here we go with another in-depth, intellectual, and witty advice column from Auntie Norma. No subject is off limits, unless it is illegal, immoral, or just downright stupid! (Ask my Attorney!)

“TIME FOR T!”

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Dear Auntie,

Is it normal to masturbate four or more times a day? I am over thirty and thought for sure that I would slow down with the AUTO EXCITER ACTION the older I got. But it is proving to be the opposite! I masturbate more now than ever! Should I see a doctor? A Shrink?

Anxious Excellerated Masturbator

Dear A. E. M.,

Normal is an Illusion! What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly! Do it and be proud of your accomplishments! Are you in a relationship? If so, sharing your hands-on one-man puppet show with others would be a starting point! What is too much? Who knows? I asked Siri about your inquiry, and she giggled!

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Dear Auntie Norma,

I am in love with a co-worker. He is tall, dark, and handsome. He is single, reads books on his break, and has a photo of his mom at his desk. We chat often about life in Vegas and how hard it is to meet people without going to bars or online hookups.

We have both identified as “Family / Gay” during a weird conversation about RuPaul’s Drag Race. So, I am assuming it is OK to ask for a date? My quandary is how to ask him out. Do I send a text? Email? HELP!

Call Center Cupid

Dear Cupid,

Are you still in junior high? Why don’t you send him a note? “ I LIKE YOU. DO YOU LIKE ME?”

YOU CRAZY KIDS! Some days, I worry about humanity with all these simple, crazy questions! Here is my advice…

Are you aware of any WORK policies that would prohibit you from dating a co-worker? If not, investigate that or ask your HR Department! Immediately! If there is no issue with dating a co-worker, the next time you have a conversation with him, suggest you get together for coffee or cocktails to chat some more! Keep it simple and without obligations! Asking someone to do something socially is very common. Just keep everything in your pants until you know it is time to have dessert!!!

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Dear Auntie Norma,

I have just turned sixty-seven. I am retired from the auto industry, the ARMY, and the National Guard. My life has been good, and I am looking for something or someone to get me through til the snow falls and my last leaf falls from my branches! My winter love, so to say. My late partner died of cancer, and I have never found his replacement, so I stopped looking. But I know I have a lot more life left in me, and I need some loving. What is a lonely man to do?

SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR SCOTTY

Dear Scotty,

Go take some ballroom dancing lessons! LOL! Do you think I am kidding? Not! Finding a gay ballroom dance class would not only be fun, but it would be great exercise and a fun way to meet some friendly faces! Without a photo, I can only imagine your physique as a retired Army and National Guard man! Gear up, SOLDIER! Get back out in the game and find some companionship! Long term or short (long is always better, I say), but find someone who makes you tingle like you did way back when. Guess what? You know that someone is looking for someone like you! I promise! Keep honest and keep looking. A Kiss is right around the corner!

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OK KITTENS! Until next time! Keep that zipper up and that rooster clean!!

In our next edition, we’ll feature more DRAMA!

Send your questions to AUNTIE NORMA for review to [email protected]

This article was originally published in the 2025 Sports & Recreation Issue of Las Vegas PRIDE Magazine, and can be read in its original format here.